Things just keep getting better. Each and every day I realize how amazingly well I'm doing considering I just had a five hour surgery to completely reconstruct my chest. This doesn't mean I don't have some pains, spasms and tightness here and there, nor does it mean I'm anywhere near being braless at this time as the weight hurts when not supported by the compression bra, and it doesn't mean I don't get completely spent after 30 minutes of activity, but it does mean that I can say "I did it!" That's a huge accomplishment and one that I'm proud of.
Just days ago I was blogging about how I wasn't really ready to look at myself, that it made me queasy and I felt disconnected. My friends keep asking if I've looked and what I think. I've almost felt guilty that it's taken me this long to look, as if that was insinuating I wasn't confident in Dr. C's work or that I'd somehow be let down. That wasn't the case at all. It was just the fear of the unknown.
The fear that has now turned to hope. Today I did it, and I took my time doing it. Not just a quick glance down, not without my glasses so that it was blurred and not as I just happened to be jumping in the shower. I looked. And what I saw was wonderful, as I knew in my heart it would be. I told Dr. C that I wanted to look normal, not like someone who wanted to be noticed for a boob job. That's exactly what he gave me.
They are firm right now, but expected to settle over the next couple weeks. There's not a single sign of bruising which amazes me. And the incisions are so perfectly placed that they'll virtually be unseen. I have more sensation in my breasts than I thought I would, so I can only hope even more will return with time. If not, that's ok, but at least I have some. What is even more shocking to me is that even though I can't feel my nipples at this point, they react. I didn't think they would. My nurse, Denise, was the one who pointed this out, the day my first two drains were taken out.
So there you have it, I have looked, I have examined and I'm thrilled. I'll never have to look at my chest and think of it as a ticking time bomb. I'll only need to love it and be thankful every day. I'm glad I took the before photos that I did the night before surgery. I compare them now and I see several different stages of my life and I love them all, because they've made me who I am today.
My kids don't understand all of this nor the impact on their own lives, but at least I can hopefully share with them, when and if it comes time for them to go through the same journey, how to appreciate it and keep moving forward. And God willing, Dr. C will still be creating masterpieces when they're ready.
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