"I can't reverse what I've done." These are the words that came out of my mouth today as my eyes welled up with tears. I must remember why I did this. I must remember what my intentions were for doing something so drastic. Today was a hard day, a down between my ups day.
After three days of being house bound, and desperately wanting to feel part of the ringing in of the New Year, I decided it would be fun to venture out to a nice lunch in a part of town we have yet to explore for New Year's Day. The taxi ride just kind of passed me by as I cradled my stomach for fear of each bump jostling my insides. I could hear my kids chattering away excitedly, but I couldn't tell you what they were talking about. By the time we arrived and were seated at our table, I felt as if my blood sugar had suddenly dropped. I was just a bystander at our table, voices muffled, action happening all around me, and there I was, trapped inside a body I didn't know. It was warm. I was getting scared. My husband asked if I was ok and my kids said I'd be really good at a staring contest in that moment. All I wanted was my glass of orange juice I'd ordered ten minutes earlier. I could see the man sitting near us checking me out every so often, I think my face looked of unmistakeable pain.
|By Pink Sherbet Photography from USA (FREE Refreshing Orange Slice Creative Commons) [CC BY 2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0)], via Wikimedia Commons|
As I took my first sips of juice, tears streamed down my face. I was so thankful for that rush of sugar, that coolness of the fresh juice and for the return of the normal voices around me, allowing me to be a part of the scene. I can't explain what happened today during those moments. I've been off medication since 7 pm last night (it's now 5:45 pm the next day), so I know its not an effect of the drugs I've been on. Is it all part of the hormones regulating, learning how to deal without estrogen? I also needed a sleeping pill in order to sleep last night as I was WIDE AWAKE at midnight, with no intentions of falling asleep anytime soon. Hormones again? Was I having withdrawals of the sleep aid?
The rest of lunch was as it should be, filled with laughter, fun conversation and overall excitement for being together. We took a walk around the surrounding areas, looking at shops, making a list of other eateries we hoped to enjoy in the future and enjoying the fresh air. I noticed that I was holding my stomach every so often, feeling my insides rumble and my dressings crinkle. Walking became a bit slower when I finally said enough is enough. We were back in a taxi, heading to one more destination before home...the mall. I know, I should have avoided this at all costs, but we needed a collar of shame for our Yorkie who just had a procedure as well.
Being in the mall must have been what pushed me over the edge. I was hot and everything around me became muffled again. I begged my husband to run and grab me a cold, sugary drink. While I wanted to pour it all over me, I don't think the surrounding people would have appreciated it, so I drank it as normal. My stomach ached more with each step and I felt as if something was wrong...not rush to the hospital wrong, but not my normal self. It was time to go home. We grabbed what we needed and left.
I was so relieved to open the door to our home, head into my air conditioned bedroom, peel off my clothes and hop in bed. I was out for the count, waking up two hours later. I feel fine now. But I've been resting. Perhaps my episodes today were hormones, perhaps it was just post surgical anesthesia adjustment, I still don't know. I can't find other episodes in blogs I look through. I'm desperate to find out if anyone else has been experiencing these things the week after surgery. But what I do know is I did not like any of how I felt and wanted so badly to reverse what I had done. But then, I'd be back at square one...fearing my future. So, for now, I'll take this as a down day, turn it around from here, and hope for the best tomorrow when I finally meet with my doctor and hopefully get some answers to what has been happening to me.
I can't seem to sleep without a sleeping pill at night. I either a) can't turn off my brain enough to relax, or b) begin to panic with shallow breathing and feeling all over uncomfortable.
I'm only on Panadol now...no more drugs. I'm very sensitive to drugs, so I'm wondering if any of this is just side effects I'm experiencing from pain killers. The Panadol hasn't even been very regular, so the pain is more of an ache...tolerable.
I don't know if what I'm experiencing are hot flashes. I do know that I'm the one who is always cold, everywhere we go, and I'm no longer that person. I am getting very warm in different situations, feeling sweaty palms and the heat rising in my face. If these are hot flashes, then I'm having them. If it's anxiety, then I'm having that. If it's none of the above, then I'm just hot.
It's WAY better today! Now, my stomach still is enlarged, forcing me to wear elastic waisted clothing, but the gas feels so much better. I can tell its leaving, and hopefully just about done.
Well, you can pretty much tell from today's entry that my hormones are out of whack, and yes, I can pretty much cry at any moment right now. I always thought it was estrogen that made women cry, and here I am crying without it.
Yep, I'm gonna say I have a bit of that going on here...ok, a lot. Maybe if I took Xanax during the day, a lot of this would go away. I haven't tried that yet, I'll ask my doctor tomorrow.
The belly button surgical site is now bruising and I can see the bruise peeking out of the bandaged area. I guess this is part of healing. It's still the most tender area when strained or touched. The other two areas aren't very noticeable. I shower just fine, walk, for the most part, fine and get on with my day without actual pain. Discomfort is the word.